the rape dreams are getting more intense. and oddly specific. like tonight, being pinned under the weight of the body unable to fight or even scream in the end on account of not wanting to touch the body with my arms or legs. and barely being able to breath for the force and size of the tongue in my mouth and the pressure up against my nose as i turned my head hoping for air. Biting the tongue crossed my mind but the need for air won out. and the fear. the intense fear. i wake with it in my body. and the need to throw up.
there are still problems with the logistics of the dream, though, like the comparable size of the body to mine. proportions. which make me think it's not a memory. and no feeling still, below the neck, other than a vague hate of my body. sexualization. thrumming.
and sculpting the dream in the dream. ie: where is the pain? there should be pain? I am hurting, i think. there is blood.
and i'm pretty sure i was a virgin when i got married.
and i still keep waiting for other shoe to drop. the memory which makes it all make sense. the one to bring the pieces together. could my dad have been involved?
karen, why is this happening to me?
whatever the truth is i am in so much pain. i am afraid of the world. and my brain.
how many times can i wake my husband and say
"i dreamt I was raped"
which means.
help me
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Before sharing a comment, please know that I write for myself. I write for my own growth, to help me become a more integrated and grounded person. I invite you to share in this journey in the hopes that my experience will resonate with those who need it to. My purpose is transparency rather than dialogue. As such I will not be responding to anyone individually via this site. If you are in need please seek help for yourself. I will, however, be reading your comments and stories with a heart wide open. If my words mean something to you, it is not by accident that you are here. May healing and hope always be your horizon!
-kaja