sometimes things don't turn out. sometimes they just don't go the way you felt, you hoped and planned. sometimes you end up feeling lonely despite your best efforts to make friends and without a plan despite all your planning. sometimes you miss what you had when you can't go back and you find it hard to keep your hopes for the future from feeling futile... and ever distant. when i was so sad in high school i used to keep myself going by making a list every night of 7 things that I was grateful for.
So here are my seven things:
July 2011
Sunlight and shade from the blinds falling on the carpet
Lisa, who has befriended me.
Water so close by
Air conditioning
That I don't feel so sick when I'm not pregnant.
Beautiful Kristoffer who loves me even when feel like I have nothing for him.
Cici's garden (one inexplicable voice, responding like magic even though we will never know each other's real voices or lives, boundary-less compassion).
January 9, 2016
tea - hot tea, with lemon, for a sore throat
a camera that fits in my back pocket and also takes calls
Tousled - who will only fall asleep on me so many more times... and did, today
someone who gracefully answers all my texts, fields my existential questions, and is sorry when I cry
Handsome, because the man is still saying "no", every time I tell him we should just get a divorce.
Brown-eyes - who raised his hand in class for the first time in two years.
colorful socks that were never meant to match
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Before sharing a comment, please know that I write for myself. I write for my own growth, to help me become a more integrated and grounded person. I invite you to share in this journey in the hopes that my experience will resonate with those who need it to. My purpose is transparency rather than dialogue. As such I will not be responding to anyone individually via this site. If you are in need please seek help for yourself. I will, however, be reading your comments and stories with a heart wide open. If my words mean something to you, it is not by accident that you are here. May healing and hope always be your horizon!
-kaja